Things to Ponder…
- If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
- If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
- If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?
- If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
- If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- If God sneezes…what should you say?
- If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
- If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
- If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
- If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
- If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
- If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
- If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- If superglue is so good, why doesn’t it stick to the side of the tube?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why’s it still #2?
- If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
- If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn’t they call you first?
- If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
- If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?
- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
- If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
- If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
- If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?
- If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
- If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
- If you can read the marking, isn’t that end already up?
- If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
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